Every Journey Has a Beginning

Never did I imagine how life would change. I knew I wanted a husband, kids, and a house with dogs and cars... you know the American dream. I didn't know exactly what that meant. I mean, love has always come naturally to me(until I got hurt), so marriage couldn't be THAT hard. And kids, shoot. I have done my share of nannying, research, daycare, teaching, babysitting...you name it. My upbringing was that of a Christian family who actually lived their beliefs, and I was ready to take on the world. I graduated high school. I graduated college. I became a teacher with a career. I got married, got my master's degree, all while living in a beautiful house with 2 dogs. Life was pretty much the way I had always dreamed it would be. Then I had kids... NOTHING like I had imagined, but EVERYTHING I had hoped for. <3

The more years I dreamt about having kids, the more I wanted them. Years went by though, and with those years came settling into my own selfish ways of life with my amazing husband. Even though I knew that I would give up everything I had for them when the time came, I didn't know how hard that would actually be. Every mother knows the COMPLETE life change your first born brings. As many mothers feel, I felt like the rug had been pulled beneath my feet with me landing on my head, butt in the air, with both legs cradling my head. Seriously. From major C-section surgery to my first experience with constipation to breast feeding to NO SLEEP to hours of infant crying to infant with major allergies, along with all the OTHER stuff I needed to know yesterday... I felt completely inept for the new role I had been longing for for as long as I could remember. I gave up late nights with friends for time to create routine and security for my precious son. His allergies to foods changed the way I ate, so that he could have breastmilk without dairy, eggs, nuts, etc. As I watched my efforts make little difference (besides significant weight loss for myself), I had to give up on breastfeeding. AND THE MOMMY GUILT kicked right in. "Breast is best" played over again in my head, as we had to pour hundreds of dollars into formula for babies with milk allergies (Similac Allementum).  My "baby can have the same laundry detergent as everyone else in the house" mantra because "they are just trying to make money because it's for a baby" quickly was flushed, as we had to buy no fragrance, hypoallergenic laundry detergent. My favorite smell in the whole world, April Fresh fabric softner, was making Zander break out in eczema from his clothes and MY clothes. No perfume, heavenly smelling baby lotions, soaps, foods, dogs... the list got longer and longer each day. I was a parent with a baby who had a whole array of allergies. I knew nothing. I was in utter shock, learning from doctors, homeopathic food nutritionists, chiropractors, mommy blogs, just whoever might be able to help me with my baby's sensitive body. Above ALL of this hardship... love for that boy TRUMPED IT ALL. My heart was captivated. His calm nature through all of the learning made me fall even more in love with him with each and every day.

I felt as though I had been going through this all alone. I felt so unprepared. Marriage took a huge back burner, leaving me feeling more alone. The truth of the matter though is this: my husband and I were both in it together, every step of the way, all for the love of our sweet boy. My relationship with God has become ever so dear to me, as I seek wisdom from His heart alone. I've learned more these last four years than I have ever, and I am grateful for the unprecedented role He has blessed me with as wife and mother.